I was looking through my desk the other day when I came across a little notebook I had almost forgotten about. As soon as I saw it I remembered exactly what was in it. At some point during the fall of 2011 I decided to list all my fears. I don’t know why I wanted to do this. I certainly had no desire to face them. Maybe I was just starting to realize how powerful a role fear played in my life and I wanted to see how deep it went.

So I started writing every night when I got into bed. Just before you fall asleep is not the best time to write down every terrifying thought you’ve ever had. In fact, I would say it’s the worst time to do it. But that’s when I always found the pen and paper in my hand so that’s when I did it.

Every night for months I wrote down every thought that ever terrorized me. Some were easy. Birds-they’ve always seemed murderous to me. Going over that waterfall in South America-the one with the 3,000 foot drop. Fear of losing my job and having to live in my car again.

As the weeks went by, the writing itself began to scare me. I didn’t want to admit all the fear that steered my life. Fear that I won’t have courage when I need it. Fear that someone I didn’t like was right about me. Fear that someone would hear my name and roll their eyes thinking, “Ugh, that guy.”

Two nights ago as I read through the book I saw on page 28, right there between sharks and bad milk, “Fear of being honest.” I closed my eyes and put the book down slowly. I felt like I’d just seen a old friend’s name in the obituary column and couldn’t read any further.

Fear of being honest isn’t in me anymore but I remember what it felt like. For me, at the core of being honest was the fear of being alone. Deep down in my heart, somewhere between the cockles and the ventricles, was the belief that I needed to keep my true feelings secret for anyone to stick around.

The good news is not long after I wrote that my life fell apart completely and I got to spend the next two years learning how to put my little Humpty Dumpty heart back together again. If I hadn’t spent those two years relearning how to see the world and my place in it I wouldn’t have been able to reopen the book a few minutes later and read that line again.

This time I managed to keep it open and think back to the guy who wrote it. You know what I remember? He did the best he could with what he had. He had a really good handle on every terrible thing the world could throw at him but he never stopped looking for the love and kindness he’d heard was out there somewhere.

Part of what running this show has taught me is that speaking your fears will bring the people you need into your life. I don’t know why but that’s what it’s done for me. I went from sitting in the dark filling 44 pages with crippling fears to getting onstage and talking about the scariest moments of my life with a room full of strangers. I can’t tell you I’m completely fearless but I can say that if I wrote that book today it would fit on a postcard.

And that’s the kind of story we’d like you to bring to our next show: Change of Heart – Stories of left turns and change ups.

Tell us about an event or series of events that caused you to change how you looked at things or how you live your life. It doesn’t have to be anything big, just something that shifted you one way or the other.

The rules for stories are below but you know the kind we’re looking for: true stories that happened to you that still mean something to you days, months or years later.

Remember to practice out loud on friends or pets and keep it under 8 minutes.

Rules & Guidelines: https://freshgroundstories.wordpress.com/2013/01/22/storytelling-rules-and-guidelines/

I hope to see you at our next show on Thursday, November 12, 7:00pm at the Roy St Coffee and Tea.

Paul
freshgroundstories@gmail.com

Thanks to everyone who came out to last week’s show. I was worried the Seahawks game would keep people from coming but we had over 100 people in the audience and a lot of beautiful stories on stage 🙂

If you’ve been to one of our shows before you know I always tell people that the most difficult spot in the lineup is the first one. People are still getting their drinks and settling into their chairs. They’re trying to finish up that last email or text and their attention isn’t always completely focused on the first storyteller.

Last Thursday David was the first teller of the evening and it didn’t take more than a few seconds for the entire room to stop what they were doing and listen. David has been a doctor for many years and some of long-time patients are now in their 70s and 80s. When their lives are coming to a close and they don’t have much time left he often goes to their homes and sits with them. He said you can’t take care of someone for 30 years and not be there with them when they’re dying. It was a wonderful story that I wish everyone could have heard live. Luckily, David has given me permission to post it online so look for it on our Facebook page in a few days.

We also had two first-timers, Louisa and Sasha, and both of them just knocked me out. Louisa’s friend put her name in Mr. Coffee and I’m not sure he bothered to tell her or that he had a firm grasp of the rules. I called Louisa’s name just as she was coming out of the bathroom and when she walked onstage she whispered to me, “What am I supposed to do?” I told her that she had to tell a story. She asked if she could read something. I said no way. No notes allowed. So she pulled a couple of pages out of her pocket, threw them into the audience and told a completely different story that she pulled from her memory. Perfect storytelling moment!

Sasha, the other first-timer, told a heartbreaking story of her brother’s descent into mental illness. It was funny and touching and reminded me of how strong a family’s love can be for each other. I know I’m not the only one in that room wondering if we would do for a brother or sister what she did for hers. Thank you Sasha. I hope you and Louisa come back and tell more stories with us.

Thanks to all the people who stepped up to the microphone that night: David, Cathy, Louisa, Chris M, Chris S, Bill, Connie, Sasha, Zoe, Jonathan, and Brian.

Next month’s show is on Thursday, November 12. During November and December we hold the shows on the second Thursdays instead of the fourth Thursdays because of the holidays. The theme for November is “Change of Heart.” I haven’t written the official invite yet but I’ll try to get that out next week.

The recording came out fine so I can give each of the storytellers a copy of their performance if they want it. I only give them to the people who told a story and it’s only the audio of their own story. Most performers don’t want their personal stories online so that’s why I only give copies to the people who told them.

If you can’t wait until the 12th to hear a great story there are two great shows where you can catch some of our regulars.

I’ll be watching Bill Bernat perform his one-man show “Becoming More Less Crazy” on Nov 7 at the Jewelbox in Belltown: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/1984619

Our good friends at A Guide to Visitors are running their annual ghost story show next Friday on Oct 30: http://www.agtv.org
Lots of tellers from FGS end up telling stories at AGTV and it’s always a fun show.

That’s all for now. Thanks again to everyone who came up and supported all the tellers that night. I hope to see you on the 12th!

Paul
freshgroundstories@gmail.com